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 Post subject: Re: OUR JOKES
PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2015 5:18 pm 
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brilliant.

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Experience is learning from mistakes, preferably those suffered by others, friendliness is making sure others know about your mistakes.
I ain't perfect but you can't get any closer.
I have NEVER been wrong!! ( sometimes only 1% right but be an optimist).


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 Post subject: Re: OUR JOKES
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2015 4:07 pm 
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Posts: 1115
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Cardiff, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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 Post subject: Re: OUR JOKES
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2015 7:54 pm 
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: if Mrs P sees that you are in deep dopdoo.

_________________
Experience is learning from mistakes, preferably those suffered by others, friendliness is making sure others know about your mistakes.
I ain't perfect but you can't get any closer.
I have NEVER been wrong!! ( sometimes only 1% right but be an optimist).


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 Post subject: Re: OUR JOKES
PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2016 4:05 pm 
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Posts: 1115
Definition of "OLD"
#1
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!

#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

#4
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Tesco

"Tesco?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Tesco?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

#7
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

#9
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

#10
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.



.

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 Post subject: Re: OUR JOKES
PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2016 6:00 pm 
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re No2

a few years back at this time of year I attended a funeral at Penrhys in the Rhondda, the cemetery is on top the mountain and open to the elements.

Dispute having had a long service in church the minister went a good while at the grave side, it was howling wind and light sleet, I turned to my mate and said if he don't hurry up 1/2 of us will be back next week and not as mourners,

_________________
Experience is learning from mistakes, preferably those suffered by others, friendliness is making sure others know about your mistakes.
I ain't perfect but you can't get any closer.
I have NEVER been wrong!! ( sometimes only 1% right but be an optimist).


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 Post subject: Re: OUR JOKES
PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2016 12:30 am 
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this funny and true to life

http://smilingspot.com/a-politician-die ... priceless/

_________________
Experience is learning from mistakes, preferably those suffered by others, friendliness is making sure others know about your mistakes.
I ain't perfect but you can't get any closer.
I have NEVER been wrong!! ( sometimes only 1% right but be an optimist).


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 Post subject: Re: OUR JOKES
PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2016 10:22 am 
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Posts: 1115
Excellent. :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: OUR JOKES
PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2016 5:28 pm 
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Location: Caerleon
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.


One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."


Mr Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.


"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable

_________________
Experience is learning from mistakes, preferably those suffered by others, friendliness is making sure others know about your mistakes.
I ain't perfect but you can't get any closer.
I have NEVER been wrong!! ( sometimes only 1% right but be an optimist).


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 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: OUR JOKES
PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2016 5:03 pm 
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Posts: 9237
Location: Caerleon
BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA
>
> The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for
> most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new Doctor
> told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
>
> As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
> realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
>
> "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?
> "Yes, they help me sleep at night."
>
> “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
>
> She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear,I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks,
> and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

> =======================================
> A RIDE IN THE TAXI
>
> A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit .
> It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
>
> "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
> "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
>
> The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth?
> They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
>
> The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
>
> His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".
>
> After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
>
> She said" "Most of them become taxi drivers”

_________________
Experience is learning from mistakes, preferably those suffered by others, friendliness is making sure others know about your mistakes.
I ain't perfect but you can't get any closer.
I have NEVER been wrong!! ( sometimes only 1% right but be an optimist).


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 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: OUR JOKES
PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2016 12:20 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2011 12:22 am
Posts: 9237
Location: Caerleon
AN INTERESTING
OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL / NETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing facts are, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the
smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Westminster playing marbles !!!!

_________________
Experience is learning from mistakes, preferably those suffered by others, friendliness is making sure others know about your mistakes.
I ain't perfect but you can't get any closer.
I have NEVER been wrong!! ( sometimes only 1% right but be an optimist).


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